When women fall in love, their bodies also produces norepinephrine and phenylethylamine. These increase focus while creating a sense of euphoria. That’s why women often become focused on one man to the exclusion of other things when they’re falling in love. It’s why everyone, men and women, feels extra alert waiting for a text message, or why people have trouble sleeping or even thinking about anyone else. Last, but certainly not least, is oxytocin. Oxytocin is released at various points, including during cuddling and sex. Women produce way more of it than men. \(Men don’t produce it during orgasm, instead getting a rush of dopamine, which is why they’re we’re less likely to fall in love with someone just because we had sex.) Oxytocin breaks down emotional barriers, making people feel comfortable and getting them to “drop their guard.” Oxytocin is what creates that sense of attachment we feel to another person when we’re falling in love. When they’re not around, you’re not producing as much, and so you want more. That’s why we can sometimes feel “addicted” to the person we’re dating. Dopamine, testosterone , oxytocin, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine all work together to create a feedback loop of love. Sexual pleasure and romantic attachment release the same bundle of chemicals. These chemicals make you give greater attention to their source, while also pushing you to seek out more of the same chemicals. Love \(and sex, for that matter) work on the brain much like a drug. But even if you knew how to get all her chemicals flowing in the right way, that still wouldn’t be enough to “make” her fall in love with you. Because love isn’t just chemicals. It’s also a function of personal history and preferences. Psychology Trumps Chemicals A big reason why you can’t just use knowledge of brain chemistry to get a girl to fall in love is that not every woman responds to the same chemical mix in the same way. Psychologists call these “attachment styles,” and even if you release the precisely correct mixture of brain chemicals, her attachment style might veto any connection you’re making with her. Whereas the hard sciences \(biology and chemistry) tell you that you can engage in certain actions, release certain chemicals and get certain effects, the soft sciences \(psychology) say that something much more personal and nuanced is going on. You’re probably aware of attachment styles, even if you didn’t know they were called that. For example, have you ever been really hitting it off with a girl gone on a couple of dates, but then she just disappears? Or have you ever had a casual fling that suddenly turns serious? Those are examples of two different attachment styles. The exact same actions \(a couple of dates where the two of you hit it off) lead to two wildly different results \(one runs and one clings). There are four different attachment styles. One of these is completely toxic, two can be problematic and the fourth is just right. We might even react with one attachment style for one person and a different attachment style for another. But for the most part, an attachment style is just that — a kind of reaction to whomever we find ourselves interested in. Once you understand the attraction styles, I’m willing to bet your past relationships will start making a lot more sense to you. They are: Secure: This is where you want to land. A secure person is basically OK relying on other people and have others rely on them. They’re equally comfortable being on their own. Thus, a girl who has a secure attachment style isn’t going to hang outside of your apartment every day, trying to get a couple seconds of your time. Nor is she going to avoid you when things start getting hot and heavy. She’s going to see you when the both of you free time. While she might want more time, she won’t resort to inappropriate or manipulative ways of getting your attention. Anxious: Girls with an anxious attachment style tend to have lower self-esteem and be less secure in themselves. The anxious girl isn’t opposed to intimacy, but wants way more of it than is appropriate for the relationship. If you’ve ever dated a girl who treated you as a super serious, exclusive item not long after the two of you started dating, you are familiar with this attachment style. She might not fall in love with you, but she will become more and more obsessed.